Aspie Manifesto: Independence and Confidence
At first glance, what would you think of me? Would you see me as an ABCD(American Born Confused Desi) person, a person caught between two cultures, two worlds? Would you see me as a well-adjusted, thoughtful young professional at a respected financial company? Would you see me as a person kinda shy, but boisterous and talkative at the right moments? Would you see me as someone with big dreams, big potential, and just needing some more confidence, who needs to man up to achieve those dreams? Would you see me as a chill, nonchalant person with no motivation or interest in anything, someone who is not fazed by anything at all? Would you see me as nerdy and spiritual, destined to become a monk or a leading Baha’i scholar? Would you see me as a lecturer/professor in the making, with a voice guaranteed to both inspire and challenge others?
These questions describe how others have seen me and the image I project to the outside world. These questions, these statements all reflect different aspects of my being, who I truly am. But there is one thing I didn’t mention, a condition or syndrome that I’ve grown up with and have had a curious relationship with. That is called Aspergers syndrome, a syndrome that gives great focus and intense interests, at the expense of sensory and social issues. I was diagnosed with this condition at age 3, and it has informed everything I do and how I grew up. Imagine my parents’ frustrations and my parents’ struggles, it even shaped my entire family and our lives. Thankfully with the support of my mother, my brother, and a few good friends and teachers, I was able to graduate high school as valedictorian in 2013, even giving a darned good speech that people from my old high school still complement me on. I then went onto college, where things were rocky at first. The whole college felt like my oyster, but I was in the mindset of being perfectionistic and busy. I therefore didn’t do well my first year, and I felt rather lonely and depressed. I had to do a mindset shift, to really get a handle on things and organize my life. I also cultivated more self-esteem and self-confidence; this enabled me to get through the tough times of college. I found some great friends and developed a great social circle that enabled me to come out of my shell, interact better with others, and bond with them. I even had some nice intimate experiences with women, brought on my ability to just be myself and bond with others. And I knew what I needed to do from there. I even had my own startup, inspired by my struggles on the spectrum.
After I graduated, I faced a dilemma; work on my startup or enjoy my newfound free time and resources outside of college. I chose the latter and the startup eventually went under as I chose to focus on other things. I went hiking, dancing, fighting, walking, roadtripping, traveling, reading, philosophizing, etc. These past 3 years have seen immense growth and personal prosperity, but a growing realization of my own mortality. I saw people around me dying, people getting injured, and people getting older, including my parents and family friends. I saw people dying without having fulfilled their dreams, I saw people dying without regrets, people dying without living up to their full potential. I even saw this poster:
And I realized that I could not ignore my condition, that I needed to establish a solid base for my life. I realized that I needed to do greater things, harness my focus to achieve my dreams and fulfill my purpose. I needed to stop going to places that really weren’t serving me, putting on a mask to fit with other people, and suppress who I was. I just didn’t have time for that. So I decided to shake things up; I decided to become a Baha’i and move out of Atlanta. I spent a few months searching for a job, and I eventually wound up in Los Angeles, where my worldview changed forever.